The Cabbage Chronicler

Photo by  Michael Kilcoyne  on  Unsplash Everyone's got that one relative that seems just a bit different at the local barbecue. But lately more and more people are discovering that their zany uncle or illegitimate half-sister may actually be a creature known as a skunk ape, swampsquatch, or swamp cabbage man, who is taking advantage of their hospitality to hide under cover of humanity. Fortunately for you loyal Cabbage Chroniclers, we've worked with top cryptozoologists to write a handy guide on how to identify these smelly interlopers. 1. Are they from Florida? While sasquatches, bigfoots, and yeti are known to exist the world over, the skunk ape is a unique Southern variety believed to come from the Everglades. These horrible monsters, tempered by the extreme conditions of Miami and Fort Lauderdale, will sometimes immigrate to other areas of the US to spread their stinky simian rituals to other sasquatch communities. So if your uncle always cheers for the Gators, or your cou

Photo by Matt Briney on Unsplash This is an old recipe my nana taught me that utilizes ingredients already lying around your cottage and one or two items you can easily acquire at your local fae night market. It does need to be a full moon outside, but you can start brewing as soon as it gets dark, you don’t need to wait until midnight. Any hour is the witching hour when you’re a witch doing witchy things. Prep: You’re going to need several blessed vessels to contain the finished potion. If you don’t have time to wait for the jar fairy to leave a fresh batch at your door before the next full moon you can empty some pre-blessed jars you’ve previously used and skip to step 2. Take your fresh jars outside and set them upright in a sunny spot and leave them be until a curious cat comes and knocks one or more of them over. Your jars are now blessed, free of any negative energies that might taint their contents. Place your cauldron over a medium flame and fill with fresh swamp water. Thos

Person Reading Book Photo on Unsplash So, I was at an estate sale the other day, and I bought this beautiful locked box. The seller told me that they'd never been able to open it, and it had just been sitting around in the attic for a few generations. Naturally, I immediately needed to have it. I got it home and began what I thought would be a difficult enterprise in attempting to open a box that was stuck closed for potentially hundreds of years (without damaging it). But, it wasn't difficult at all. I went to examine the latch, and as if it were fate, it opened with ease. I thought for a second that the inside was glowing, but it was probably the 8 shots of espresso I had earlier in the day. But, inside, I actually found was a beautiful old leather-bound tome! I couldn't quite make out what was written on the cover, but I was able to determine the word "horror", so I think it will be a fun spooky story. As my loyal readers, I felt it was only right to bring you

Photo by  Cristian Palmer  on  Unsplash What is The Bloop? Nowadays, scientists will try to convince you that The Bloop is nothing more than an ice quake, the sound of glaciers cracking and splitting apart from each other , due to global warming. If you're like us, and you probably are if you're reading this article, you're probably thinking to yourself, "How can a bloop be glaciers breaking apart?" Well, we're glad you asked. The true is, everyone has been lying  to you. The Bloop that you hear everywhere is actually sped up to 16 times it's normal speed, making it sound more like a bloop. The original sound is longer, grindier, and more drawn out. You can give it a listen here: Hearing The Bloop at normal speed is certainly a lot less exciting than at 16 times speed, but no less intriguing.  If The Bloop not what the NOAA says it is, what is it? And why would they lie? Some people theorize that they are trying to hide the truth from our fragile minds bec

  Photo by  Syarafina Yusof  on  Unsplash A local medium claimed this week to have contacted the ghost of children's author Dr. Seuss, and has a book of pornographic poems that she says is the latest work of the acclaimed writer. The tome, titled "Cocks in Box", runs to 50 pages of filth and degeneracy, made all the more alarming by the medium's attempts at illustration, which she says were channeled to her by Dr. Seuss. An excerpt of the book has been reprinted below - "First I'll make a slick chick's clit twitch. Then I'll make a slick chick's box twitch. You can make a slick jock's dick twitch. You can make a slick jock's cock twitch. And here's a new trick, Mr. Fox! Jocks with clits and chicks with cocks. Chicks with dicks in box on jocks. Clits and cocks on jocks in box." The contents of the book encompass a wide variety of carnal acts, sexualities, gender expressions, and fetishes, some of which were not commonly known to th

  Photo by  Jonathan Borba  on  Unsplash To this day, teeth maintain a dominant and pervasive presence across the planet. Their iconic relationship with most mammals, reptiles, and even humans is their defining characteristic, and they remain one of the oldest forms of tool known to science. But what do we really understand about their effect on the human body? Is their existence naturally-occurring, or some form of symbiotic relationship? I'm here to ask those questions. Modern science claims that all humans are born with teeth already formed, lying in wait under your cheekbones, but how can we know that's really true? When my niece was born she didn't have any visible teeth, and even when I poked her all over in the face multiple times I couldn't feel anything. I can feel my own bones under my skin, but not my niece's teeth? Can science explain that? Which brings me to my next point. It is my sincere belief that teeth are a form of domesticated parasite that burro

  Photo by Peter Kasprzyk on Unsplash A recent study released by the American Dental Association is leaving everyone confused. The title of the study released summarizes the conclusion of the study: "Teeth: What are they good for? Nothing." When reading the study, you can sense that the author was being completely serious in their assertions. As it turns out, you don't actually need to chew to get the necessary nutrients you need into your body. Most nutrients can be fed to you through an intravenous line. This is actually how we keep many comatose patients alive in hospitals. The study seems to have arisen from the repeated difficulty that dentists face in getting their patients to floss and brush regularly. Even this editor has lied on occasion to their dentist about their flossing habits. In response to this, the authors of the study wanted to look into the matter and solve the dilemma once and for all: Are teeth really necessary? Many medical ailments stem from poor d

Photo by  Krista Purmale  on  Unsplash Everyone knows that chemtrails are a government conspiracy to control our MINDS. Why else would the government claim that chemtrails aren't actually harmful? Something that we haven't all considered yet is the DEEP GOVERNMENT COVER-UP of CHRISTIAN MIND CONTROL.  All government leaders have been openly Christian. And everyone know that their main figure, Jesus, is actually a LIZARD MAN. Another link to the Illuminati conspiracy for world control and domination.  CHRISTIANS are controlling your government, your mind, and the ILLUMINATI. Wake up sheeple!

Photo by  Cookie the Pom  on  Unsplash   Have you ever found yourself accused of writing Clickbait? Are you stuck in a rut of writing listicle after listicle? Do you have absurd images that you really want to add to your exposé - even though they are completely unrelated? Do you delve into the fine art of paraphrasing Reddit and Twitter posts that people can read perfectly well for themselves without your narration? Do you struggle with ad placement and pop-ups turning people off of your articles? Well, here are 5 ways to easily explain that your article is well worth the read, and certainly not Clickbait. 1. Choose a title that isn't misleading.  While you may be tempted to write an extreme title to get views, it is often better to write a title that accurately reflect your article's contents.  2.  Trim down the ads a bit. From your audience's perspective, ads can be very jarring and frustrating if they are overbearing or excessive. Limit the ads and avoid pop-ups so that

Photo by Nong Vang on Unsplash Are you being spied on by the Illuminati? Here are 5 ways to find out! 5. You get phone calls from numbers you don't recognize Do you get phone calls from numbers you don't recognize? If so, it's most likely that the Illuminati is tracking your every movement through your cell phone. They are probably calling you to let you know they know what you've been doing. 4. Your phone's GPS is always active If you leave your cell phones GPS on all the time, the Illuminati definitely know where you are. It's already been verified that the government watches everything you do with your phone. And the Illuminati runs the government, so it stands to reason that the Illuminati know everything the government does. 3. You've had a flu shot Everybody knows that flu shots don't actually keep you from getting sick. All you're doing by getting a flu shot is letting the Illuminati implant a new micro tracking chip in your arm. Stop making

The stock exchange was brought to a grinding halt today as all stock prices inexplicably dropped except for one. The relatively new company, SATN, has been steadily increasing in price. What came as a shock to everyone wasw the price suddenly spiked up. The stock spike was quickly taken advantage of by short-sellers in what is quite possibly the most mysterious, but most lucrative, investment of our decade. When various experts were consulted, no one could say for sure which company is represented by SATN. All that can be ascertained  for sure is that it enter the stock exchange a week ago. Photo by  Mark Finn  on  Unsplash

Photo by  Travis Essinger  on  Unsplash Town is in chaos as entire high school football team disappeared on the way home from an away game. The principle of the local high school broke down into tears when we asked him for a statement.  All parents of football team members have retreated to their houses and refuse to comment. The mayor, when asked to comment, could only stutter out,      "We are absolutely shaken as a community." Local police are working to investigate disappearance. Found on the road home were some long skid marks, over a mile long. Persons living along the road have been questioned, but reported nothing out of the ordinary. Police chief and detectives currently have nothing to report to the public. Anyone having any knowledge of the mysterious disappearance or circumstances surrounding the high school football team are encouraged to come forward.

Photo by  ThisisEngineering RAEng  on  Unsplash The world was struck by awe today when a cantankerous scientist discovered the cure for the common cold. We of The Cabbage Chronicler got an exclusive interview with him today. Reporter: You are known by your coworkers as Cantankerous Carl. Up until now, you have been known for mishaps in the laboratory. How does it feel to have discovered the cure for the common cold? C. Carl: I knew this day would finally come. It's taken a lot of time and work. No one seemed to understand. I bet my ex-wife feels pretty stupid now, don't you Susan? Susan: Carl, I'm busy. Reporter: Our readers are dying to know, Carl. What is this miraculous cure that you have discovered? C. Carl: It's cheese. Preferably cheddar. Canned cheddar. Reporter: You mean cheese whiz? C. Carl: Yes, precisely. I discovered the cure when I had my own cold 2 weeks ago. During a standard laboratory procedure, I accidentally inserted canned cheese up my nose.  Reporte