Is Your Relative A Skunk Ape? 3 Ways To Identify a Swampsquatch At Your Cookout

Photo by Michael Kilcoyne on Unsplash

Everyone's got that one relative that seems just a bit different at the local barbecue. But lately more and more people are discovering that their zany uncle or illegitimate half-sister may actually be a creature known as a skunk ape, swampsquatch, or swamp cabbage man, who is taking advantage of their hospitality to hide under cover of humanity. Fortunately for you loyal Cabbage Chroniclers, we've worked with top cryptozoologists to write a handy guide on how to identify these smelly interlopers.

1. Are they from Florida?

While sasquatches, bigfoots, and yeti are known to exist the world over, the skunk ape is a unique Southern variety believed to come from the Everglades. These horrible monsters, tempered by the extreme conditions of Miami and Fort Lauderdale, will sometimes immigrate to other areas of the US to spread their stinky simian rituals to other sasquatch communities. So if your uncle always cheers for the Gators, or your cousin owns an airboat, watch out! You might just have a skunk ape spooning up your potato salad.

2. Do they like hiking?

A skunk ape's greatest pleasure in life is evangelizing its pungent message to other communities of 'squatch. In order to find these groups, they will frequently go out into the wilderness to track and find their compatriots, but they will blend in with humans first to avoid scrutiny or suspicion. They know a sasquatch was caught on video once, and they don't want it to happen again! So if your family member loves to walk in the woods or takes the Range Rover into the hills on the weekends, you might want to keep an eye on them. You can never be too careful!

3. Do they stink?

While this might be obvious, a real skunk ape lives up to its name at all times. No amount of perfume, deodorant, or aftershave can mask its musk, which is embedded in its very soul by living in the swampy Everglades for years before going on its mission trip as a right of passage. The odor has been compared to a gallon of fried pork rinds and vomit, stuffed into a bigmouth bass, wrapped in a pig's entrails and buried to ferment in the dirt of the Champagne region of France for six months - it packs a punch! So if your adolescent son reeks no matter how much Axe Body Spray he wears, or your grandma has a bit too much of an old-lady smell, be warned! You might have had your family infiltrated by a stinky primate of the worst sort.

We hope that you can use this handy guide to root out any skunk apes that may be invading your personal life. If you do find a skunk ape has found a place in your home, you must run to the courthouse and start the eviction process immediately, before they can establish sasquatter's rights which will drag the process out considerably.