Teeth: Thoughtful Passengers, or Traitorous Parasites?

 

Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

To this day, teeth maintain a dominant and pervasive presence across the planet. Their iconic relationship with most mammals, reptiles, and even humans is their defining characteristic, and they remain one of the oldest forms of tool known to science. But what do we really understand about their effect on the human body? Is their existence naturally-occurring, or some form of symbiotic relationship? I'm here to ask those questions.

Modern science claims that all humans are born with teeth already formed, lying in wait under your cheekbones, but how can we know that's really true? When my niece was born she didn't have any visible teeth, and even when I poked her all over in the face multiple times I couldn't feel anything. I can feel my own bones under my skin, but not my niece's teeth? Can science explain that?

Which brings me to my next point. It is my sincere belief that teeth are a form of domesticated parasite that burrows into our gums at a young age and feeds off our energy. I have done hours of research to expand my theory, and while my efforts have been stalled by my sister-in-law not letting me babysit my niece anymore, I already have much data to share. I believe the first stage of teeth begins with a fragile exoskeleton in the first 6-12 months of a human's life. These early forms hibernate for years, planting roots like so many devious white trees, until the husks fall away and the second stage emerges, with a stronger hide and more tightly integrated into our central nervous system. At this point their removal is extremely traumatic for the host.

Early humans may have cultivated teeth to assist in the chewing process, but with modern science at our disposal it is our duty to reexamine their usage. Many humans experience great pain from so-called "wisdom teeth", cavities, and nerve damage; couldn't we prevent that pain by inoculating ourselves to teeth from birth, much like the measles vaccine? Average Americans spend tens of thousands of dollars a year on dental cleanings, root canals, braces, and other forms of tooth care. A teeth vaccine could prevent those costs, putting more money into Average Joe's pockets and kickstarting our economy. While the dental "experts" might fight against such measures, can we really trust them? They've spent years in secretive institutions learning about and colluding with teeth, and many of them even have teeth of their own. How do we know they have humanity's best interests at heart? Should teeth go the way of medicinal leeches, a brutal holdover from our less-enlightened days? I suspect they must.

Dear reader, I implore you: the next time you go to brush those little white knobs, just take a closer look in the mirror. And ask yourself, can you really trust those shiny white devils? I know I can't.