Classifieds
NEED FIREWOOD
In need of firewood to keep my house warm. The weather is much warmer where I'm from, so I'm constantly cold. Any wood is fine, but prefer Screaming Pine. $20 per unit.
In need of firewood to keep my house warm. The weather is much warmer where I'm from, so I'm constantly cold. Any wood is fine, but prefer Screaming Pine. $20 per unit.
GOT DUSTY ROADS?
Do you have dusty country roads? Is the Summer the worst time of the year for your allergies? Give us a call! We'll spray down your road with oil to keep down the dust and clear up your air! Price negotiable, based on length of road. Non-radioactive oil extra.
Do you have dusty country roads? Is the Summer the worst time of the year for your allergies? Give us a call! We'll spray down your road with oil to keep down the dust and clear up your air! Price negotiable, based on length of road. Non-radioactive oil extra.
I HUNGRER
I hunger. Have such hunger. Need satiation. Please feed. Will eat anything. Old sandwich? Please to give. Smelly pasta? I eat all. Noisy neighbor? Please to the yes. Contact with old cheese under fridge. Much thankings.
I hunger. Have such hunger. Need satiation. Please feed. Will eat anything. Old sandwich? Please to give. Smelly pasta? I eat all. Noisy neighbor? Please to the yes. Contact with old cheese under fridge. Much thankings.
LOOKING TO SELL CHINA SET
I have an old dinner set of China from my Grandma (who is still missing) that we no longer need. Looking for $50 OBO. China might be radioactive. Haven't tested it recently.
I have an old dinner set of China from my Grandma (who is still missing) that we no longer need. Looking for $50 OBO. China might be radioactive. Haven't tested it recently.
LOST MY GUM
It was delicious. I would really like it back. Also, it's sentient and bent on world distruction. All info is welcome.
It was delicious. I would really like it back. Also, it's sentient and bent on world distruction. All info is welcome.
WANT TO BUY BIKE
Any type of bike is acceptable. I mostly need it for my new part-time job after school. Non-soul-stealing is preferable. Can offer $200.
Any type of bike is acceptable. I mostly need it for my new part-time job after school. Non-soul-stealing is preferable. Can offer $200.
LOST CAT
My cat recently ran off. We had an argument and things were said that I regret. If you see an orange tabby with intelligent eyes, she's mine. Please call me or just let her know I'm sorry.
My cat recently ran off. We had an argument and things were said that I regret. If you see an orange tabby with intelligent eyes, she's mine. Please call me or just let her know I'm sorry.
GENERAL HELP WANTED ON FARM
Need some extra hands during harvest season. Extra arms and night vision are a bonus. Can pay $20/lb of produce collected. Any blemished or imperfect produce may be taken home by workers.
Need some extra hands during harvest season. Extra arms and night vision are a bonus. Can pay $20/lb of produce collected. Any blemished or imperfect produce may be taken home by workers.
WILL PAY FOR BLESSED MASON JARS
I am in need of blessed mason jars for a "chemistry" project I'm working on. Blessed by cats is preferred. Ask no questions, receive no terrifying answers. Will pay $150 per jar.
I am in need of blessed mason jars for a "chemistry" project I'm working on. Blessed by cats is preferred. Ask no questions, receive no terrifying answers. Will pay $150 per jar.
COACH SEEKING NEW TEAM
Is your sports team in need of a can-do coach? Do you need a coach who understands the importance of time and efficiency? Look no futher than me! I have new techniques that will keep you and your teammates motivated like no other. Contact me by drawing a circle and pentagram with your own blood.
Is your sports team in need of a can-do coach? Do you need a coach who understands the importance of time and efficiency? Look no futher than me! I have new techniques that will keep you and your teammates motivated like no other. Contact me by drawing a circle and pentagram with your own blood.
HAVE PARENTS YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE?
Looking for children wanting to become orphans. In need of orphan tears before next Full Moon. Anyone will do. I only need your tears as soon as you become an orphan. Contact me by shaking sage and screaming at the Gibbous Moon.
Looking for children wanting to become orphans. In need of orphan tears before next Full Moon. Anyone will do. I only need your tears as soon as you become an orphan. Contact me by shaking sage and screaming at the Gibbous Moon.
IN NEED OF CAR
Looking for a reliable commuter car. Condition is not important, as long as it can get me from br /assica Bay to Hell and back. Willing to spend up to $5000. Contact me via Ouija board, please. My texting plan has been deactivated.
Looking for a reliable commuter car. Condition is not important, as long as it can get me from br /assica Bay to Hell and back. Willing to spend up to $5000. Contact me via Ouija board, please. My texting plan has been deactivated.
SUPPORT GROUP FOR RETIRED MONSTER HUNTERS
It's hard to be a monster hunter, anymore, with various activist groups petitioning for the recognition of monsters as beings with Rights. Come join our support group where we talk about the old days and help each other find gainful employment. Meets at Old Man Gregory the Slayer's house in Midtown. Mrs. Gregory will provide snacks.
It's hard to be a monster hunter, anymore, with various activist groups petitioning for the recognition of monsters as beings with Rights. Come join our support group where we talk about the old days and help each other find gainful employment. Meets at Old Man Gregory the Slayer's house in Midtown. Mrs. Gregory will provide snacks.
NEW BIKE FREE TO GOOD HOME
Bought a new bike, but don't use it. Free to good home. br /ight red, street tires, steals souls. It's a Huffy br /and from last year. Used twice.
Bought a new bike, but don't use it. Free to good home. br /ight red, street tires, steals souls. It's a Huffy br /and from last year. Used twice.
BUY/SELL ANTIQUES
Have an old lamp you can't get rid of? Have great grandma's doll that keeps coming back after you specifically threw it away? Always wanted a haunted pool table? Come to Samuel A. Tan's Antiques Emporium in downtown, next to the Starbarks and Hat in the Box on Main St.
Have an old lamp you can't get rid of? Have great grandma's doll that keeps coming back after you specifically threw it away? Always wanted a haunted pool table? Come to Samuel A. Tan's Antiques Emporium in downtown, next to the Starbarks and Hat in the Box on Main St.
LOOKING FOR PLASMA TV
Need new TV after kids br /oke the old one. Any size will do. Must be human plasma. Can offer up to $500, depending on condition.
Need new TV after kids br /oke the old one. Any size will do. Must be human plasma. Can offer up to $500, depending on condition.
DANCE YOUR WAY TO FITNESS
We're providing free dance lessons to the first 100 applicants to our new dance studio! BYO shoes and chainsaws. $40/lesson after first free class.
We're providing free dance lessons to the first 100 applicants to our new dance studio! BYO shoes and chainsaws. $40/lesson after first free class.
NEED GARDENING WORK DONE?
Quality gardener looking for new clients. Due to a nuclear accident, gardener now has 6 arms, allowing for extreme efficiency and speed. $20/hr. Available on appt only.
Quality gardener looking for new clients. Due to a nuclear accident, gardener now has 6 arms, allowing for extreme efficiency and speed. $20/hr. Available on appt only.
1 SWAMP VIEW BEDROOM, FURNITURE INCLUDED
Looking for new roommate for a beautiful, swamp view bedroom. The previous tenant disappeared under mysterious circumstances, meaning that you get all their furniture! $500/mo with a $200 deposit. 200sq ft plus in-room bath.
Looking for new roommate for a beautiful, swamp view bedroom. The previous tenant disappeared under mysterious circumstances, meaning that you get all their furniture! $500/mo with a $200 deposit. 200sq ft plus in-room bath.
SELLING HEALTHY, ORGANIC PLANTS
Do you need some plants from your garden, but aren't willing to start from seed? Come over to 100% Organic Ochards to fill your every plant need! We have plants, fertilizers, and gardening supplies. We are also currently accepting donations of recently deceased family members. Open 24 hours a day everyday! (Except for New Moons.)
Do you need some plants from your garden, but aren't willing to start from seed? Come over to 100% Organic Ochards to fill your every plant need! We have plants, fertilizers, and gardening supplies. We are also currently accepting donations of recently deceased family members. Open 24 hours a day everyday! (Except for New Moons.)
NEED DRIVING TUTOR
My children are in need of a driving instructor. Looking for someone with experience handling rowdy children with wings. Will pay $40 per child you can teach to drive. I have 10,000 children, so this will be easy money for you! Please leave your credentials and resume at the closest ant hill. I will be in touch.
My children are in need of a driving instructor. Looking for someone with experience handling rowdy children with wings. Will pay $40 per child you can teach to drive. I have 10,000 children, so this will be easy money for you! Please leave your credentials and resume at the closest ant hill. I will be in touch.
GOT SPARE ORGANS?
The local Humanitarian Society is looking for donations of healthy organs. All organs will be accepted without question. Free cookies and soda for all donors!
The local Humanitarian Society is looking for donations of healthy organs. All organs will be accepted without question. Free cookies and soda for all donors!
NEED QUICK CASH?
The Demonic Stitching Circle is looking for anyone willing to be a holy warrior against the Satanic Crochet Club. $20/hr with death and funerary benefits. If you can hold a sword, you're qualified.
The Demonic Stitching Circle is looking for anyone willing to be a holy warrior against the Satanic Crochet Club. $20/hr with death and funerary benefits. If you can hold a sword, you're qualified.
MISSING PERSON, WILL PAY FOR INFORMATION
My dear Grandmother has been missing for several months. The last I saw her was with my sister. Grandmother always wanted to travel the world, so possible she is on the road. Will pay $1000 for any information leading to finding her.
My dear Grandmother has been missing for several months. The last I saw her was with my sister. Grandmother always wanted to travel the world, so possible she is on the road. Will pay $1000 for any information leading to finding her.
SINGLE MOM? ABSENT HUSBAND?
Come join our support group for single mothers with special children! We are an empowered group of women that meet up every Wednesday to support each other as we raise our special children. Our founder and chief organizer is the mother of Mothman's child and she was tired of feeling alone. She found our secretary, who was raising a skinwalker's child, and our treasurer, who is raising yeti triplets. We love our children and support each other! Come join an empowering community where you'll never be alone, again.
Come join our support group for single mothers with special children! We are an empowered group of women that meet up every Wednesday to support each other as we raise our special children. Our founder and chief organizer is the mother of Mothman's child and she was tired of feeling alone. She found our secretary, who was raising a skinwalker's child, and our treasurer, who is raising yeti triplets. We love our children and support each other! Come join an empowering community where you'll never be alone, again.
DONATE YOUR CAR FOR LOCAL CLUB
The local Holy Demonic Crafts Club is looking for car, boat, or RV donations to support their club activities. Every donor gets a free demonic wish! The HDCC is not responsible for any negative actions that might occur as a result of the wish.
The local Holy Demonic Crafts Club is looking for car, boat, or RV donations to support their club activities. Every donor gets a free demonic wish! The HDCC is not responsible for any negative actions that might occur as a result of the wish.
MADE W/LOVE FROM GRANDMA
Custom one-of-a-kind lamp shade I made with grandma. In her will, she asked to have pieces of her travel the world. This piece is made from her thigh. When she was alive, she lit up the room. Now she can light up yours.
Custom one-of-a-kind lamp shade I made with grandma. In her will, she asked to have pieces of her travel the world. This piece is made from her thigh. When she was alive, she lit up the room. Now she can light up yours.
TUTOR NEEDED
Must be experienced in tutoring math, science, and quantum mechanics. Childcare experience preferred. $15/hr OBO
Must be experienced in tutoring math, science, and quantum mechanics. Childcare experience preferred. $15/hr OBO
HEALTHY HUMAN MALE SEEKING COMPANION
I am healthy human male, looking for healthy human companion. Do you have 2 legs, nice muscles, strong heart? You are perfect. I need healthy companion soon. Please meet me under br /idge. Super safe. Promise.
I am healthy human male, looking for healthy human companion. Do you have 2 legs, nice muscles, strong heart? You are perfect. I need healthy companion soon. Please meet me under br /idge. Super safe. Promise.
LOOKING FOR HEALTHY INDIVIDUALS
In need of healthy, human individuals that are willing to be subjected to a battery of tests. Best human specimens only need apply. Will pay with gold bouillon or similar human currency.
In need of healthy, human individuals that are willing to be subjected to a battery of tests. Best human specimens only need apply. Will pay with gold bouillon or similar human currency.
THRILL SEEKER AND ADVENTURER?
Are you constantly looking for new thrills and adventures to undertake? Well, look no further than your local wizard's guild! We have young, unseasoned wizards looking to start new adventures all the time. Are you not really an adventurer? Would you rather stay in your cozy home and eat 3 br /eakfasts? Even better! We'll assign a wizard to you! No need to contact us. Reading this has already activated a summoning spell. Wizard's guild thanks you!
Are you constantly looking for new thrills and adventures to undertake? Well, look no further than your local wizard's guild! We have young, unseasoned wizards looking to start new adventures all the time. Are you not really an adventurer? Would you rather stay in your cozy home and eat 3 br /eakfasts? Even better! We'll assign a wizard to you! No need to contact us. Reading this has already activated a summoning spell. Wizard's guild thanks you!
LOOKING FOR MAGICIAN FOR CHILD'S PARTY
I am looking for a talented magician to perform for my son's 4th birthday party. Child experience preferred. Looking for magicians specializing in disappearance tricks. My son is being bullied in school and we're inviting all the culprits. $40/hr. Open to negotiation if magician is particularly talented.
I am looking for a talented magician to perform for my son's 4th birthday party. Child experience preferred. Looking for magicians specializing in disappearance tricks. My son is being bullied in school and we're inviting all the culprits. $40/hr. Open to negotiation if magician is particularly talented.
NEED BABYSITTER FOR CLUB
The Support Group for Single Mothers with Special Children needs an accomplished babysitter to help watch children during club meeting times. Responsibilities include changing diapers, feeding raw meat to certain children, and putting out small fires. Payment is $40/hour and compensation for injuries incurred.
The Support Group for Single Mothers with Special Children needs an accomplished babysitter to help watch children during club meeting times. Responsibilities include changing diapers, feeding raw meat to certain children, and putting out small fires. Payment is $40/hour and compensation for injuries incurred.
LOCAL COMMUNITY SEEKING NEW MEMBERS
Always had a hard time making friends? Looking for a sense of community and deep friendship? Join the Midnight Sun religious club! We meet every Thursday night at 3am. Free coffee and cookies for all attendees!
Always had a hard time making friends? Looking for a sense of community and deep friendship? Join the Midnight Sun religious club! We meet every Thursday night at 3am. Free coffee and cookies for all attendees!
KNIFE SET FOR SALE
Like-new set of knives for sale. Included in set are standard steak knives, paring knives, butcher's knife, sushi knife, and machete. $25 OBO
Like-new set of knives for sale. Included in set are standard steak knives, paring knives, butcher's knife, sushi knife, and machete. $25 OBO
FREE iPHONE
Looking for a good home for old iPhone 4s. Available to anyone that can hold it. Does not need to be charged; infinite battery life! Screen has some scratches, but no cracks. iOS is atypical, camera only takes photos of Hell. Selfie camera fully functional. Free to first taker.
Looking for a good home for old iPhone 4s. Available to anyone that can hold it. Does not need to be charged; infinite battery life! Screen has some scratches, but no cracks. iOS is atypical, camera only takes photos of Hell. Selfie camera fully functional. Free to first taker.
CAR FOR SALE
4 door tan sedan for sale. Leather seats, new stereo, bluetooth sound system, smells of rotting flesh. $2000 OBO.
4 door tan sedan for sale. Leather seats, new stereo, bluetooth sound system, smells of rotting flesh. $2000 OBO.
LOOKING FOR ROOMMATE
2br /1ba apt dweller looking for roommate. Rent is $300/mo. Applicant must be alright with more than 2 eyes and multiple heads.
2br /1ba apt dweller looking for roommate. Rent is $300/mo. Applicant must be alright with more than 2 eyes and multiple heads.
WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FAST?
Weight training professionals will help you lose the weight to meet your New Year's goals FAST. BYO anesthesia. Walk-ins welcome.
Weight training professionals will help you lose the weight to meet your New Year's goals FAST. BYO anesthesia. Walk-ins welcome.
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