The Cabbage Chronicler

Photo by Mel on Unsplash Have you ever noticed that trees are everywhere? Their root systems descending deep in to the ground, where no one can see and no one can watch. What could the trees be doing? Scientists have discovered that trees can communicate with one another through their root system, even transferring their remaining energy as they die. Everyone these days are talking about trees. Trees are great for our eco-system, they say. Trees produce oxygen and clean the pollutants from our air. And trees seemingly do this all for free. I don't know about you guys, but for such a valuable service as removing man-made pollutants, are the trees really doing it for free? And why do their roots reach so deep? After much digging and research, this journalist has an answer for you, the intrepid reader. Trees are, in fact, IN COLLUSION WITH THE ILLUMINATI. With their deep reaching roots, they are the perfect candidates for the Illuminati to collect precious magma from our Earth's c

  Photo by  Chris Bair  on  Unsplash As the summer turns to fall this year, many people across the country will make plans to visit fancy artistic corn mazes with wild patterns. But are these stylish installations appropriating the proud alien tradition of crop circles? In this era of political correctness, it's important to reexamine the relationship between crop circles, the ritualistic flattening of wheat or other foliage by extra-terrestrials, and corn mazes, a cheap commercialized reproduction for humans' entertainment. These corn mazes often completely remove the religious and social aspects of the circles, replacing it with gaudy designs appealing to tourists. Surveys say that, over the last two decades, over 90% of corn mazes have been owned and operated by humans, when humans only represent a tiny portion of the life in our galaxy. It's sad to say, but in some parts of the world traditional crop circles are almost unheard-of, with the authentic establishments being

  Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash More people are aware now, thanks to the popular film 'Us.' Many more are still unaware. Underneath the ground in the United States, possibly even right under your feet at this moment, are a large and expansive series of abandoned tunnels and bunkers. Many of these tunnels are simply subway tunnels that were abandoned after completion. Some are the size of underground cities, furnished for regular life to continue after a feared nuclear fallout. In Chicago, there are 60 miles of tunnels that lay undiscovered until the '90s, used for transporting coal and trash. In Florida, there are brick tunnels that may have once been a sanitation system. Many old sewer systems are abandoned in favor of new and updated sewers, leaving the old tunnels to collect dust. The term 'abandoned' immediately makes one think of cavernous, empty structures, sprawling beneath cities, containing nothing but dust and cockroaches, but this is actually partly

Photo by  Constantin Wenning  on  Unsplash In today's cut-throat socioeconomic climate, many people are failing to meet their financial or personal goals. Keeping up with the Joneses gets harder every year, but there's a quick and easy way to reach the heights you know you're destined for: selling your eternal soul to the Prince of Darkness. However, offering your immortal essence to an ancient being can sometimes be a delicate process, so we here at the Cabbage Chronicler have spoken to top soulmongers to bring you 6 hot tips to make the transaction easier. 1. Be Specific - When you provide your terms for giving up your soul, you can never be too specific. Phrasing can mean the difference between your wildest desires and your worst nightmares, and the more detail you provide the less beholden you are to Lucifer's sense of ironic humor. For example, "make me rich" can be interpreted a lot of ways. You could become wealthy in a defunct currency, or crushed t

Photo by KOBU Agency on Unsplash In the modern day and age, it's unavoidable.  Every time you turn on you computer, it's there. The dreaded "Update System" message. Not only do workers lose countless hours of productivity waiting for the Operating System to install the latest bug fix or virus software, we have to contend with the ever growing dread.  "Will this update be enough?" "How long until the next update?" "Am I going to have to do an update tomorrow, too?" Questions like these bog down the minds of our office workers and IT professionals around the globe. Stressor on top of stressor slapped on top of the scale of the mind, wearing down the humble employee. Is it any wonder that this journalist questions the necessity of the dreaded System Update? It makes one wonder if there couldn't be more diabolical reasons for the unending updates. Are we truly updating important security features to our computers? Or is there nothing actu

Photo by Sandra Seitamaa on Unsplash Residents of a nearby beach community are abuzz recently, as several people say they have experienced unusual bouts of sleepwalking, along with hallucinations of a mysterious specter skulking along the beach at night. At least five nights over the last month, local residents say they have gone to bed as normal, but are beckoned from their homes by the spirit of a shaggy bearded man wearing a robe. They say the ghost brings them to the beach, and compels them to walk alongside the shore for many hours. Affected people also state that the figure places visions of their past in the sky above the shoreline, and that the visions end and the figure disappears when they reach events from the previous day. Authorities initially looked into the claims as kidnappings, but no evidence of an intruder was found at the residents' homes, and when they have checked the beaches only one set of footprints is ever found. However, police have circulated an artist&#

  Photo by  Artem Kovalev  on  Unsplash Many people have claimed to have been contacted by extraterrestrials. Some have even claimed to have been abducted and experimented upon. Hurtling through the sky, UFOs have terrified the masses for generations. For a period during the 1940-60, the United States Air Force was actually investigating these bizarre UFO phenomenon in a series of projects called Sign, Grudge, and Project Blue Book .  While many people will claim that the USAF investigating such claims was a waste of money and effort, others question why they ever stopped. Could it be that the investigations turned up actual evidence of extraterrestrial life? Could it be that Area 51, a place internationally renowned for extraterrestrial experimentation and study, is truly where the US military keeps many UFO secrets from us, the public? This journalist thinks that the investigations weren't a waste of time, tax payer money, or resources. However, it is possible that what the USAF

  Photo by Bill Oxford on Unsplash Overeaters rejoice! A confidential source has told us that Weight Watchers is on the verge of releasing a new dietary implant that will expand a five-dimensional penteract inside your stomach, giving you effectively infinite eating capacity without gaining weight! Our source indicates that the new device was created in secret in a collaboration between Weight Watchers and competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi is said to have approached the famed diet company after losing a hot-dog-eating contest to a grizzly bear. The device purports to bend the laws of time, space, and gravity to store the user's food into a mind-shattering superstructure to be digested at a set rate, while leaving their tummies thin and thighs cellulite-free.  When asked if it was really worth dumping carbs and MSG into the construct of our and every reality for the sake of keeping off a few pounds during the holiday season, our source simply stated "nothing tastes

  Photo by freestocks on Unsplash I’m back, witches! So you’re lactose intolerant but can’t resist the siren call of cheese or whatever your preferred dairy-based vice is. Don’t give in to despair! Magic can and will solve all your problems. You can transfer your curse to another with a clever ritual using easy to find components and fuelled by your own desire. Step 1 : Get your sexy right. Clear your mind, put on your most sensual outfit, and start drinking until you feel irresistible. Light some candles and start scattering crystals around. Once the energy in the room feels appropriately sexually charged you are ready for step 2. Step 2 : Get your phone out. Start swiping right on every hippie or hipster you see. You are fishing for a vegan. Don’t worry, they’ll let you know right away. You won’t have to ask. Step 3 : Invite the vegan to your quaint and instagram-able cottage in the woods. Send them enticing selfies of the romantic atmosphere you’ve created and your unique neo-pagan

Photo by Andrea Natali on Unsplash  A local tech start up, Flueric Technologies, recently broke the record for highest sell price for a company that was only 6 months, 6 days old. Surprisingly, investors claim that the company was sold on the 6th hour, as well.  When asked why this company was so successful, CEO Luc F Reynolds said that it's all because of his management strategies. Reynolds claims that his workers are the most motivated in the industry. He states that the salary and benefits he offers employees are the best in the industry.  Mysteriously, this investigative journalist couldn't find any employees to verify this claim. I decided to take things a step further and go to the office of Flueric to find an employee to ask. The first thing I noticed was hot warm it was in the parking lot of Flueric Technologies. While it is Summer, the temperature in the parking lot seemed to be at least 10 degrees warmer than the road just outside. The closer to the building, the warm

  Photo by Gareth Hubbard on Unsplash Have you ever been perplexed by vegetarians? Confused by vegans? Wondering to yourself how they could possibly give up the sweet, sweet taste of Beef? The answer might surprise you. More and more people every year seem to be switching to the vegetarian and vegan lifestyle. Many cite reasons for making the switch, like "Saving the planet," "Eating animals is murder," and "Meat is actually bad for you." We all know that these are silly reasons that have never stopped humans from gorging themselves on meat and animal products before. After all, the only true way to fit in in our society is to eat more meat than anyone else, then brag about it. The most highly elevated people in our culture are those that can catch their own meat, after all. Praise be to the mighty hunter, who stalks his prey in the comfort of a shelter, waiting for a few hours will beer, then mowing down a deer with a high powered rifle with laser sights.