Selling Your Soul to Satan? Here's 6 Tips to Get the Best Bargains with Beelzebub
In today's cut-throat socioeconomic climate, many people are failing to meet their financial or personal goals. Keeping up with the Joneses gets harder every year, but there's a quick and easy way to reach the heights you know you're destined for: selling your eternal soul to the Prince of Darkness. However, offering your immortal essence to an ancient being can sometimes be a delicate process, so we here at the Cabbage Chronicler have spoken to top soulmongers to bring you 6 hot tips to make the transaction easier.
1. Be Specific - When you provide your terms for giving up your soul, you can never be too specific. Phrasing can mean the difference between your wildest desires and your worst nightmares, and the more detail you provide the less beholden you are to Lucifer's sense of ironic humor. For example, "make me rich" can be interpreted a lot of ways. You could become wealthy in a defunct currency, or crushed to death under a mountain of pennies. You might even just have your name changed to Richard! But if you ask for "ten million American dollars worth of safe-to-handle un-stolen gold bullion in standard bars, gently placed in the center of my living room floor", you've left a lot less wiggle room for the old Serpent. When in doubt, spell it out!
2. Anticipate Consequences - As any lottery winner could tell you, sudden windfalls can come with a host of problems you don't expect. If you're selling your soul for substantial wealth or power, you must keep in mind the legal or personal ramifications of your new situation. Satan can giveth, but your fellow humans can taketh just as easily through legal fees, robbery, and murder. You've only got one soul to sell, and there are no take-backsies with the Lord of Flies, so play the long game.
3. Avoid Changing People When Possible - Asking Satan for resources or extraordinary abilities is usually morally clean, but asking to change the people around you opens a host of ethical questions. Getting someone to fall in love with you could be considered coercion, a sort-of metaphysical roofie, and if anyone ever finds out you could be widely ostracized or worse. The other problem with altering people is that humans are complicated and life is fickle, and a single car accident or mystery illness could make your devilish deal moot. So whenever possible, try to think of ways to get what you want from people without affecting them directly.
4. Use of Pocket Dimensions - For large-scale changes such as you becoming national royalty, causing apocalypses, etc. Satan may place you into a pocket dimension to keep the overall progress of the world intact. Zombies or nuclear winter would stall his ability to collect souls from future generations, so often his solution will be to build you your own personal branch of the universe, where you can do your worst without affecting his bottom line. One thing to note is you will disappear from your current reality, so you'll want to accept the knowledge that your real friends and family will never see you again, and the versions you interact with post-deal are simply demonic constructions. If you're okay with this arrangement, great! If not, maybe dream a bit smaller.
5. Immortality is Right Out - Living forever is one of the most common requests made when dealing in souls, but unfortunately for you it is not a request Satan will ever grant, for obvious reasons. If you lived forever, how could he ever collect on your debt? At this point, asking Satan for immortality is like asking the cashier "It must be free then, huh?" when an item doesn't scan, but the difference is your cashier can't bury you in a volcano for being a prick. So be polite.
6. Accept Your Fate Afterward - You just sold your soul. After you die you'll be subject to the worst torture conceivable for all eternity, and there's no backing out. Is a night with Marilyn Monroe worth having your spine bisected for five decades straight? Would a crisp $50 million make up for 200 years of having your balls roasted in a George Foreman grill? Could you savor the nameplate on your corner office knowing you've got a matching one on a dunk tank above a lake of rusty barbed wire? All this and more awaits you if you take a deal from the Devil, and while it might seem far-off now, the end will come sooner than you think. Be ready.
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