Simple Curse

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person decorating pumpkin and candles
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

I’m back, witches! So you’re lactose intolerant but can’t resist the siren call of cheese or whatever your preferred dairy-based vice is. Don’t give in to despair! Magic can and will solve all your problems. You can transfer your curse to another with a clever ritual using easy to find components and fuelled by your own desire.

Step 1: Get your sexy right. Clear your mind, put on your most sensual outfit, and start drinking until you feel irresistible. Light some candles and start scattering crystals around. Once the energy in the room feels appropriately sexually charged you are ready for step 2.

Step 2: Get your phone out. Start swiping right on every hippie or hipster you see. You are fishing for a vegan. Don’t worry, they’ll let you know right away. You won’t have to ask.

Step 3: Invite the vegan to your quaint and instagram-able cottage in the woods. Send them enticing selfies of the romantic atmosphere you’ve created and your unique neo-pagan aesthetic. Lure them with flirtatious remarks about your sustainable herb garden.

Step 4: Ensure you have all the cheese or ice cream you wish to consume ready. Tragically this curse is not permanent and will not work on the same victim more than once. 

Step 5: Collect a hair from your “date” and tie it in a cheesecloth bag with some dried wolfsbane, fairy wings, and willow bark. Spill a drop of your blood into a fire and throw in the cheesecloth bundle. Call out a prayer to your goddess for justice.

Step 6: Punch the ungrateful vegan in the face. Temporarily rob them of their unused gift for digesting dairy.

Eat all the cheese you want before sunrise to give your body time to process it before your intolerance returns. Enjoy.

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