Skinny Stomachs Sever Spacetime: Is Fifth-Dimensional Geometry the Future of Dieting?

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Photo by Bill Oxford on Unsplash

Overeaters rejoice! A confidential source has told us that Weight Watchers is on the verge of releasing a new dietary implant that will expand a five-dimensional penteract inside your stomach, giving you effectively infinite eating capacity without gaining weight!

Our source indicates that the new device was created in secret in a collaboration between Weight Watchers and competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi. Kobayashi is said to have approached the famed diet company after losing a hot-dog-eating contest to a grizzly bear. The device purports to bend the laws of time, space, and gravity to store the user's food into a mind-shattering superstructure to be digested at a set rate, while leaving their tummies thin and thighs cellulite-free. 

When asked if it was really worth dumping carbs and MSG into the construct of our and every reality for the sake of keeping off a few pounds during the holiday season, our source simply stated "nothing tastes better than being thin, not even a functioning realogical timeflow".

Our source and Weight Watchers have not provided an expected price point, but an announcement is sure to come any day now.




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