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Dastardly Dopplegangers Driving Divorces

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash In this age of technology and surveillance, infidelity is easier to expose than ever. Millions of happy couples every year have their lives destroyed by a partner discovering unsavory texts, photos, or videos featuring their significant other. But are these events the result of spouses being unfaithful, or the work of an evil race of mimics hell-bent on destroying rock-solid marriages like mine? New evidence suggests that a new species of humans, classified as homo dopplus by the scientific community, is running amok in our society, pretending to be us in order to ruin our lives one by one. Their method of mimicry is not fully understood at this time, but we know it is very sophisticated, and they look and sound nearly identical even when photographed. Once they have copied their victims, they proceed to ruin their lives by committing petty crimes, harassing friends and coworkers, and even framing them for adultery with photographic and video evidence
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Trees Tricking Topiaryists?

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Photo by Mel on Unsplash Have you ever noticed that trees are everywhere? Their root systems descending deep in to the ground, where no one can see and no one can watch. What could the trees be doing? Scientists have discovered that trees can communicate with one another through their root system, even transferring their remaining energy as they die. Everyone these days are talking about trees. Trees are great for our eco-system, they say. Trees produce oxygen and clean the pollutants from our air. And trees seemingly do this all for free. I don't know about you guys, but for such a valuable service as removing man-made pollutants, are the trees really doing it for free? And why do their roots reach so deep? After much digging and research, this journalist has an answer for you, the intrepid reader. Trees are, in fact, IN COLLUSION WITH THE ILLUMINATI. With their deep reaching roots, they are the perfect candidates for the Illuminati to collect precious magma from our Earth's c
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Are Corn Mazes Appropriating Alien Culture?

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  Photo by  Chris Bair  on  Unsplash As the summer turns to fall this year, many people across the country will make plans to visit fancy artistic corn mazes with wild patterns. But are these stylish installations appropriating the proud alien tradition of crop circles? In this era of political correctness, it's important to reexamine the relationship between crop circles, the ritualistic flattening of wheat or other foliage by extra-terrestrials, and corn mazes, a cheap commercialized reproduction for humans' entertainment. These corn mazes often completely remove the religious and social aspects of the circles, replacing it with gaudy designs appealing to tourists. Surveys say that, over the last two decades, over 90% of corn mazes have been owned and operated by humans, when humans only represent a tiny portion of the life in our galaxy. It's sad to say, but in some parts of the world traditional crop circles are almost unheard-of, with the authentic establishments being
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Hidden Hideaways for Heinous Hoodlums?

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  Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash More people are aware now, thanks to the popular film 'Us.' Many more are still unaware. Underneath the ground in the United States, possibly even right under your feet at this moment, are a large and expansive series of abandoned tunnels and bunkers. Many of these tunnels are simply subway tunnels that were abandoned after completion. Some are the size of underground cities, furnished for regular life to continue after a feared nuclear fallout. In Chicago, there are 60 miles of tunnels that lay undiscovered until the '90s, used for transporting coal and trash. In Florida, there are brick tunnels that may have once been a sanitation system. Many old sewer systems are abandoned in favor of new and updated sewers, leaving the old tunnels to collect dust. The term 'abandoned' immediately makes one think of cavernous, empty structures, sprawling beneath cities, containing nothing but dust and cockroaches, but this is actually partly
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Selling Your Soul to Satan? Here's 6 Tips to Get the Best Bargains with Beelzebub

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Photo by  Constantin Wenning  on  Unsplash In today's cut-throat socioeconomic climate, many people are failing to meet their financial or personal goals. Keeping up with the Joneses gets harder every year, but there's a quick and easy way to reach the heights you know you're destined for: selling your eternal soul to the Prince of Darkness. However, offering your immortal essence to an ancient being can sometimes be a delicate process, so we here at the Cabbage Chronicler have spoken to top soulmongers to bring you 6 hot tips to make the transaction easier. 1. Be Specific - When you provide your terms for giving up your soul, you can never be too specific. Phrasing can mean the difference between your wildest desires and your worst nightmares, and the more detail you provide the less beholden you are to Lucifer's sense of ironic humor. For example, "make me rich" can be interpreted a lot of ways. You could become wealthy in a defunct currency, or crushed t
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Computer Update? Or CRAZED CONSPIRACY?

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Photo by KOBU Agency on Unsplash In the modern day and age, it's unavoidable.  Every time you turn on you computer, it's there. The dreaded "Update System" message. Not only do workers lose countless hours of productivity waiting for the Operating System to install the latest bug fix or virus software, we have to contend with the ever growing dread.  "Will this update be enough?" "How long until the next update?" "Am I going to have to do an update tomorrow, too?" Questions like these bog down the minds of our office workers and IT professionals around the globe. Stressor on top of stressor slapped on top of the scale of the mind, wearing down the humble employee. Is it any wonder that this journalist questions the necessity of the dreaded System Update? It makes one wonder if there couldn't be more diabolical reasons for the unending updates. Are we truly updating important security features to our computers? Or is there nothing actu
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Beach Bum Visions Leave Community Baffled

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Photo by Sandra Seitamaa on Unsplash Residents of a nearby beach community are abuzz recently, as several people say they have experienced unusual bouts of sleepwalking, along with hallucinations of a mysterious specter skulking along the beach at night. At least five nights over the last month, local residents say they have gone to bed as normal, but are beckoned from their homes by the spirit of a shaggy bearded man wearing a robe. They say the ghost brings them to the beach, and compels them to walk alongside the shore for many hours. Affected people also state that the figure places visions of their past in the sky above the shoreline, and that the visions end and the figure disappears when they reach events from the previous day. Authorities initially looked into the claims as kidnappings, but no evidence of an intruder was found at the residents' homes, and when they have checked the beaches only one set of footprints is ever found. However, police have circulated an artist&#
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